Hi!
First, I want to point you in the direction of a wonderful rant on the Addicted to Godric site. It’s hilarious!
Click HERE to access that blog.
In fact, it inspired me to write a little story and exchange some silliness with meridiean! I’m attaching it here for your edification.
😉
California Kat's Stories 
That was funny! I’m probably guilty of some of the stuff you said too, which makes it even funnier! I’m pretty sure I’ve made Sookie an epic “swallower” before–poor woman! That wallet, car, etc., must have been uncomfortable to digest. Maybe, I’ll rethink that next time. 😉 LOL!!! Or not. And–I’ll have you know–that everyone who has sex in my stories is sure to wash their hands first. There are wet naps all over the place! LOL!!! Thanks for sharing your rant!
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BWAHAHA @ wet naps!!!
I guess it’s fairly obvious that I don’t take fic lemons all THAT seriously or I wouldn’t be so worried about her swallowing his house keys as she “swallows everything he has to give her”…. *snicker* I have too much fun being way too literal…
Unfortunately there just doesn’t seem to be all that many ways to create/re-create/re-re… sex scenes in fics no matter how hard we try.
But I’m awfully glad we DO try! 😉
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There’s always the lumberjack motif. His huge log traveling into her mill, dripping sap all the way? His lumber being jacked until she swallows all the pulp he has to give? Hmm…Maybe not. He sawed back and forth until they both fell to the ground in a thud so loud that someone should have yelled timber? Hmm…I’ll keep working. 😉
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OMGodric I’m crying over here!! 😀
Keep in mind that with all that sawing, there’s gonna be blistering…all that sawing would lead to a load of sawdust at the end…and the earth would tremble when that long thick log slams to the ground…hum…I see what you mean…keep working on it…you’re on a roll…
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She rolled his log in her hands for a while, causing him to cuss like the lumberjack he was. Then he cursed even louder when she took his smooth bat into her mouth as far as she could.
She inhaled deeply. He smelled of the outdoors & pulp & Axe cologne–all man!
“No–leave the flannel shirt on,” she begged when he started to take off the garment.
His rough, calloused hands felt like sandpaper over her smooth, supple breasts, and the mixture of pleasure and discomfort caused her to gasp in ecstasy.
“Pound me! Now!” she cried. “Saw me in two with your long thick wood!”
He didn’t need to be asked twice.
He positioned his lumber over her log shoot and hammered into her in one powerful thrust.
The many rings of his log stretched her as she’d never been stretched before!
“Paul Bunyan! Babe!” he cried out, calling to his gods in incoherent grunts and groans because of his exertions.
She held on for dear life as he jackhammered into her again and again until she thought she would splinter in two.
Finally, the sweat pouring from them both like the sap from a fallen tree, he felt her log shoot grip him tightly as her release came. He pulled out of her and shot his load all over her and the room like sawdust in a lumber mill.
The earth seemed to tremble as he fell onto her as if she was Mother Earth herself.
“That was–shattering!” she said, catching her breath.
“Then you won’t mind if I nail you again,” he smirked.
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AXe? NO—not the AXe!!
Flannel? *shrieking!!*
Rings… *snort*
Paul Bunyan!!!! Babe!!!! **ROFLMAO**
Jack…hammered…saw…dust…I can’t…I just can’t… *blots tears*
OH NO – poor trembling Mother Earth…
Nail………..***ROFLMFAO***
At last she was assured of having more than just a splinter of his affection…
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOL!!!!! 😀
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LOL–“splinter of his affection.”
Thanks for helping me procrastinate for a while. 🙂
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Reblogged this on California Kat and commented:
This post by Addicted to Godric and the comments after it had me laughing all day and gave me wonderful procrastination material. Check it out. She’s funny!
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Lol, it’s my middle name. I’m still laughing over here – great way to clear(cut) an afternoon… 😀 Thanks for playing!
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:”) Thanks!! My floor’s clean, btw, cause I laughed all over it!
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You sure?
It’s not a “wooden” floor, made out of lumber is it?
Watch for splinters. 😉
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It is, but at least it’s hardwood. *straight face* Does need a good buff-and-wax job, though. *almost straight face*
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Hard wood IS superior to soft wood. There is nothing worse than wood that is too soft. It splinters and then you have a mess on your hands (though there are wet naps in every room–just in case). And a “GOOD” buff-and-wax job is definitely superior to a “bad” one, but, again, there might be a mess involved. And then your floor’s not clean any more! It’s a vicious circle.
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True – soft woods are just too pudgy to hold up well, and those splinters are a pain in the…ass to deal with.
*sigh* Buff…wax…clean…dry… *sigh* It’s a long, hard tale. But, yup, even a bad buff-n-wax beats none at all, and there’s always a load of dust to have to deal with afterwards. Having a case of wet-naps and a jug of hand-sanitizer in every room definitely helps with those particular situations.
Ah, well, I’m getting sappy over here just thinking about the never-ending cycle.
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Oh God! This was hilarious. I’ll confess I’m guilty of some of them, but I still cracked up reading this.
From now on I’m gonna have Eric and Sookie carry antibacterial soap around with them to wash their hands, lol. Oh and brush their teeth and gargle mouthwash after oral.
Love this.
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LOL! “A long, hard tale,” indeed. It’s a sad, sad story when you buff and buff and buff, and then your only reward is a load of dust everywhere. And does the floor thank you? No. It likely “expected” the servicing. Sigh. And, of course, if the area you are buffing and waxing is big enough, a case of wet-naps might not be enough to combat the blown load. And then you find the residue in crevices and cracks for months and months! And that just sucks–worse that a vampire bite to the nipple.
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Sex safety kit:
antibacterial soap/wet-naps — check
mouthwash — check
Antacids — check
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**bows** Thank you! I don’t know if I just read too many fics too quickly or what, but before long I started…noticing…then questioning…some of these sexual practices and descriptions. These are not good things when my snark jumps into the mix, lol.
*seriously considering ensuring that all my future fic bathrooms have mouthwash dispensers and li’l paper cups, and that all fic bedside tables have conveniently accessible hand sanitizer pumps*
😉
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Oi…easy on the gnawed nips over there…those wet naps would sting like a mo’fo! But at least the sap could help stop the bleeding…
But…ashually, I’m thinking the hard wood is never grateful enough for the whole buffing and waxing routine. They certainly never offer to pay for the carpal tunnel treatments! No sir-ee, that’s not gonna happen. And do said hard woods ever bother getting up on a step-ladder to clean the crown moldings from when the sawdust flies all over the place?? No. Of course not.
*sigh*
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floss – check (you never know about those splinters)
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LOL!
And don’t even get me started on how hard it is to clean the ceiling fan blades. The floor is the one that wanted the goddamned ceiling fan in the first place!
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Good call.
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I’m such a sap for oral hygiene.
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LOL!!
“Oh, it’ll provide such a cool breeze” and “Sure, honeysuckle, I’ll help keep it clean and dust off all the sawdust”… Meh. Leaf it to them and whaddya get? Nut’ing.
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Leaf! LOL.
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😀